Day 3 of my Manifestation Miracle Journey
I am not in the mood for any of this today. I don’t want to feel good or enlightened. I don’t want to soul search or become a better person. I am sad and I am feeling lost without HIM, I want to be grumpy and difficult and wallow in my pain. It is hard to stay “on” and positive every day, especially when I am recovering from a broken heart …but I begrudgingly begin because I made a stupid commitment to myself. Stupid commitments!
‘When was the last time you did something to please others even if it didn’t please yourself? Well. . . I am totally a people pleaser! Simple as that! So. . .I guess the answer is today, yesterday, the day before! But. . .to be fair, I also think that I only go along when it’s something I want as well or I truly don’t care. Let me give you my reasoning for this, my kid’s dad passed away many years ago so I have made every decision in their lives for 8 long years! It’s exhausting and I know that if they end up (or more accurately, when they end up) in therapy, there is only one place to point the finger. . . at me! So if I can allow someone else to make any decision in my life for me, I happily relinquish control. This personality trait is one that has always driven my feisty friend Kristine crazy. I must ask you, does this qualify as people pleasing? Or is it just exhaustion? Or both?
First step for today is to take inventory of the areas in my life in which I am not feeling good –
Career – Nope
Relationship – Nope
Family – Yes
Health – Yes
Finances – Nope
Spirituality – Nope
Hmmm. . .that is a sad, sad list. As I sit here, sad about my list. . .my phone rings and it is one of my dearest friends. Is it possible that I was sending out some vibe that she picked up on? A sort of friendship SOS? Look at me becoming all new agey and such! Whatever the reason for her call. . .I don’t feel as grumpy. I may actually feel ready for an amazing day. . . Friends – YES
According to Manifestation Miracle, the solution for the life inventory is to start saying yes to more things. In taking an assessment of how often I say no, feel that I say no to my kiddos way too often, which is probably stunting their creativity or growth in some way (another conversation for them to have with their future therapists!). In turn, I probably say no to myself too often as well, but don’t even realize it.
Today, I will spend the day saying yes to whatever comes my way. . .ohhhh. . .I really hope something good comes my way! I hope I get to say yes to a hot guy or really great sex. . .but I feel my yeses today will not be that good or exciting, I’ll let you know tomorrow what happens!
I was trying to remember the daily affirmations while I was driving in the car yesterday and I couldn’t come up with a single line. . . the message is not getting in. I have to continually remind myself to stay focused on what they are saying because I find my mind wandering. . . .it wandered to a conversation I had last night with a friend, then on to a news article that I read. . .this is not good. Perhaps my brain is not equipped to receive affirmations! Maybe I am too jaded and closed off, I am curious at the end of this if these phrases will just run through my head naturally, like breaking through the proverbially mental brick wall.
3 things –
- I am so grateful for my friends. My conversation last night with one of my dearest friends about loyalty, love, friendships and relationships. . . and my bestie calling me this morning at the exact moment I needed her.
- I am grateful for my neighbors who make me smile and laugh every day. There is comfort in knowing that I have a great community of support.
- I’m grateful for the monkey/alien. Allow me to explain. . . it’s a long running joke between my friend Dave and I. We hide the monkey somewhere in the other person’s house and see how long it takes for that person to find it. The monkey was recently lost in a jar of grape jelly that was thrown out and has now been replaced with an alien. I feel happy that we have such a goofy expression of our friendship.
Quiet, clear head, relaxed.
Do I want to fix my broken relationship? I think I hold on because of fear. I hold on because I don’t like losing not because I want him.
That saddens me more than I can say. . .Is that truly how I feel or is that just my feeling today? My emotions fluctuate by the minute so who knows what it means. Last night, I really wanted him back because I missed him. . . not because I was fearing anything. . .I just wanted to feel him, hold him, smell him, feel safe in his arms.
There is a theory called the Law of F**k Yes. . .basically only do something if your gut reaction is “f**k yea, I want to do that.” In the past, I have stopped dating good guys because I didn’t feel ‘f**k yea’ about them. Should I apply that same theory now? Following my meditation, in this moment I don’t feel, ‘f**k yea’. . .do I give up? I’m not sure I am ready to give up. . . my definition of love has always been that you don’t give up in the hard times. How could I possibly walk away from the man that I was on the verge of spending my life with. . .especially since it has only been a few short weeks?
Another day completed and another day that stirred up a lot of emotion. . . curious what tomorrow brings!