Welcome and thank you for joining me. . . this is the beginning of a new journey that I accidentally fell into. I suppose I should give you a brief background so that my decision making is a bit more sensical rather than non-sensical. I was in a wonderful, happy, loving relationship. We were on the verge of getting engaged and spending the rest of our lives together and everything was, dare I say. . .perfect!?! One night, HE was teasing me with the engagement ring as if he was going to propose. . .I knew he had the ring and I knew he was waiting for the right moment to give it to me. The right moment being our anniversary on Christmas day. Anyway, later that night, he suddenly changed his mind, picked a fight, left and then sent me a message of Facebook messenger saying we were through. Obviously, my heart ached in a way that only happens when you lose someone you love.
Move ahead to mid break up/supposed healing, I found a sales pitch video and quiz promising the secret to happiness while scrolling through Facebook and due to the incredibly uncomfortable place in life because of said heartbreak, I was sucked in. I think I am a sucker for most things right now. I had stopped working to take care of our 6 kids. . .yes, you read that correctly. . .6 kids, so I am starting over financially. I am heartbroken and I miss him. So you see why it was quite easy to sucker me into 43 minutes of promises when the secret to my happiness is at stake. I watched the whole 43 minutes of fluff and sales pitch just in case the secret to life and the key to unlock my happiness was in there somewhere. Surprise! They were not going to give away the secret to life, instead with a simple click of a link and for just $47.00, I could buy the secret to life through their program called Manifestation Miracle.
I did a quick Google search on the Law of Attraction which was the basis for their program and of course The Secret came up along with 29 million other results. I then googled Manifestation Miracle and found it had 4 ½ stars on Goodreads. . .interesting and completely unexpected. I also found a blog in which someone said it was worth it. Hmm. . . only because I am desperate and sad and because it came with a money back guarantee, I bought it. But I think we all know I would have bought it either way!
Each day I am to listen to their “mindtrack” audio’s, meditate and write three things that I am grateful for.
So, I begin with the suggested ‘abundant wealth mindtrack’, I guess it is designed to infiltrate my mind and get me to start thinking positive thoughts about wealth. As I listened, I noticed that the affirmations were just not getting in, my mind was wandering and not at all interested in the soundtrack. Definitely not a good sign if I can’t stay focused on positive thoughts that are reassuring me that I presently lead an abundant life.
Out of curiosity, I stopped the abundant wealth mindtrack and moved over to the love and happiness mindtrack and boom. . . everything that was said was exactly how I feel, like my own personal soundtrack. Interestingly, I don’t have any problems with men being interested in me. I, obviously have a bit of trouble holding on to them but getting them interested has always come easily, maybe that is why the love and happiness mindtrack was so easy to hear.
Career-wise, I struggle. I don’t love what I do. . .I like it and it pays the bills but I don’t love it, which must be why the wealth mindtrack literally fell on deaf ears! I have a negative track that plays in my head so often. . .I will never be successful, etc that the positive affirmations were rubbing completely against the grain of my subconscious.
Epiphany? This may be too soon to decide but definitely an interesting thought. Could I be the reason I am not where I want to be??? That is a hard pill to swallow so let’s put that thought away for now. . .I am sure during this process I will be forced to face my subconscious demons.
3 things I’m grateful for
- The big Good Morning hugs I get every morning from both of my kids, even my grumpy 14 year old.
- My house. I’m proud of buying it by myself, it still needs work but I love every inch of it.
- My silly little dog that I didn’t want and refused to love for a year. . .don’t worry, the kids loved him for me until I was ready to let him in. I love when he wiggles with excitement when I walk in the front door.
- I’m an over achiever so I am adding a forth thing today! That 2015 was actually an incredible year despite the last several weeks. . . it was filled with travel, laughter, fun, friends, family and love.
My instructions were. . .once the mind is clear, ask yourself any questions you want answers for, sit still and listen for the answers.
I don’t want to! I sound like an insolent child. I know the questions I want to ask but I truly don’t want to know the answer. Will He come back? Can we be happy again? Will I be with him for the rest of my life?
What if the answers are no?
I begin my meditation with a clear head. . .I have never meditated before so this is all new territory for me! As soon as I let my mind wander, it is immediately filled with thoughts of HE and I, moments that we were happy and that last moment I saw his face and the familiar painful tingles spike through my body. My anxiety and heartbreak over the situation are back.
I clear my head again and focus on a light. Just a light. Then my mind focuses on my body standing, being bathed in the light. I remember being told once that I shine and I so badly want to shine again. I add my kids on either side of me in the light. I try to see my own success.
Day 1 analysis? My first impression of the program is a bit, eh. There are typos and mistakes so that is not filling me with confidence. My second thought. . . this is a lot of freakin work! If you exhausted just reading this imagine the nap I took after actually doing it all! This is my self-help boot camp. . .designed to get serious results, fast! I can say that when I started this, earlier today I was in a lot of pain. I so badly wished and hoped for my life to be different, to be better. If I didn’t feel this pain, I know I never would have watched that video or bought this program. In addition to being exhausted, I feel empowered, somehow. I feel hopeful, which is a very scary emotion for me and I feel excited to tackle my day. Perhaps this will work? Look at me being all kinds of hopeful again!